/> Everyone with OCD and depression experiences them in different ways. Felix’s symptoms in the following chapter are based my experiences with these two disorders. Both the doubt and self blame are obsessions that I struggled with for years. I wanted to show how the mindset of people with these disorders distorts what is really going on. So this story is broken up into parts.
In order to show both aspects, The story is split up into first and third person narration. Felix’s part of the story is filled with internal dialogue and atypical thought patterns. I did my best to depict Felix’s doubts, thoughts, and feelings, but it is nigh impossible to describe the emotional rollercoaster that accompanies the irrational obsessions and doubt caused by OCD. Please remember that not everyone has the same struggles, and some have a harder time than others.
TL:DR – This chapter is focused on the emotional aspect of life rather than the sexual. Because of that, there is no actual sex in this chapter.
/>
Chapter 5: Family Matters
Part 1:
I stood in my bedroom Thursday afternoon looking through my duffel bag. I was going to be back by Saturday evening, but I wanted to make sure I had everything for the trip. Okay, one more time.
Meds? Check!
Toothbrush? Check!
Jeans? Check!
T Shirts? Check!
Boxers? Check!
Dress clothes? Check!
Socks?
“Do you have
“JESUS CHRIST!!!” I straightened up in shock when I heard a woman’s voice behind me. I turned towards the doorway to see a beautiful redheaded woman standing there patiently. “Oh, Clara, it’s just you,” I sighed in relief. “Jesus, you scared the crap out of me! How did you get in here?”
“Wow, where do I start with that,” she said with an amused smile. “First of all, it’s me? Careful, Tiger, you might not want to refer to me as anything. Second, I got in with the key to your apartment that you gave me last week.”
“Oh, right,” I said as my heart rate began to slow. “Well next time let me know when you come in. If I surprised you like that at your apartment, I’d have a can of mace in my face.”
“Okay, fair point,” she admitted. “But my question still stands, do you have />
“I’m just making sure one last time.”
“And how many times have you checked ‘one last />
I admitted.
“And how many things did you find />
/>
Clara stepped forward to put her hand on my shoulder. “Felix, it’s just the checking compulsion from your OCD. You packed everything you need. You won’t realize you’re missing something even if you check it another ten times.”
“But what if-”
“Do you trust me?”
“Of course I trust you,” I answered, more than a little confused.
“And I trust and believe in you,” she replied calmly. “If you didn’t realize something was missing after one time through, I’m confident you packed />
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.” I reluctantly zipped up my bag and picked it up. “Are you ready to head out?”
Clara smiled, “I left my stuff in the living room.” Carrying both her bag and mine, I locked up my apartment. We walked down to the parking lot where I put both bags in the trunk of my car. Clara said moments after we pulled out of the parking lot. “I mean, I know it’s none of my business, but have you been having more issues with your OCD? You’ve had it managed so well for so long. Is there anything you want to talk about?”
“It’s nothing.” Clara gave me a glare that almost screamed skepticism. “I’m serious, it’s nothing. It’s normal for symptoms to get worse when I’m />
nothing to be anxious about.”
“Nothing to be-” I sputtered, momentarily taking my eyes off the road. “I’m meeting your dad less than a month from now, and you say I don’t have anything to worry about!?”
That was the true source of my anxiety. Barely a month prior, we’d declared our love to each other. So, Clara and I had decided that now would be a good time to meet each other’s family. Though to be honest, it had been Clara’s idea. An idea she’d shared right after we’d finished making love. Needless to say, that had been a strange end of an otherwise perfectly romantic evening.
Clara acknowledged with a calm that I certainly didn’t feel, “but I’m meeting both of your parents tonight.”
already met my parents,” I pointed out.
“Yes, but that was before we were dating. Hell, that was back when we were both in college. I’m probably just as nervous as you are.”
“While we’re on the topic of my parents, do you remember what we were talking a couple days ago?”
“You mean about what to tell them about us, right? We already figured that out.”
“I know, but I wanted to make sure you were certain.” I glanced back at her for a moment before adding, “My mom and dad are pretty old fashioned when it comes to sex.”
“I agreed with you that honesty is the best choice.”
“I think my dad used to say that that phrase doesn’t apply when asked how a woman’s dress fits.” I sighed, “ I really want them to like you, so I wanted to make sure you were still on board.”
Clara reached over to put her hand on my leg and gave it three light squeezes. “Felix, I’m in love with you, not your family,” she assured me. I glanced back over to her side of the car as she continued, “Well, unless your brother turns out to be really cute.”
“Sorry, Brandon is married.” I teased back, “Plus, he’s not going to be there. Just my parents; my sister Laura; and her />
“Is he cute?”
“Oh geez,” I sighed. “This is going to be a long />
/>
About four hours later, we made it to my home town. Other than the leaves changing color, the town hadn’t changed much since I’d last visited. As we pulled up to the driveway the family dog, Max, began to bark, announcing our arrival for the entire neighborhood to hear. (Yes the dog’s name is Max, just like every male dog in the history of fiction.) He was barking wildly inside the fenced backyard.
“It seems mom and dad haven’t been able to get him to stay quiet yet.” I commented dryly as I got our bags out of the trunk.
Max right?” Clara asked.
I then turned to address the dog. enough, Max. Don’t you remember what I taught you?” He cocked his head in confusion, obviously recognizing my voice as I scolded him. not supposed to bark at the pretty ones, and if you ask me, Clara’s really pretty.”
“Did you really try to teach him that?” Clara raised an eyebrow.
I reached over the chain linked fence to scratch his head. “But he has weird standards for beauty. I think Max prefers women who are as hairy as him.” I noticed Clara shudder as she was assaulted by that mental image. I chuckled, go say ‘hi’ to my family.”
“Felix! Welcome home!” my mom exclaimed barely a moment after we’d stepped through the back door. She wiped her hands on her apron and immediately gave me a hug. My mom was a bit over fifty-five but she sure didn’t look it. My sister claimed that she’d be happy if she looked half as good when she reached that age. Her hair was starting to grey slightly and there were small lines along her face, but other than that, she looked like she was in her late thirties. “Steve, Laura, Andy; Felix is home!” Mom announced.
be down in a minute!” I heard my sister call out from upstairs.
My mom still hadn’t calmed down by the time my dad, Steve, entered the room. My dad was just under sixty years old, but unlike mom, his age definitely showed. He’d put on weight, and his hair had all but disappeared. Both he and my mom were shorter than me, but I definitely took after my mom’s side of the family; both in size and in looks.
“Heya sport, welcome home,” he said, raising his hand in greeting. He then turned to my mom and added, “Anne, if you hug him that tight, he’s not gonna be able to />
I played along and pretended to be suffocating in my mom’s arms. “Hey dad,” I said, sounding like I was being are you trying to break my ribs? Besides, I need to introduce you to someone.” After my mom let me go, I turned to look at Clara who still stood by the door. So far, she had been reluctant to intrude. “Mom, dad. This is Clara. My />
My dad’s face lit up as he stepped forward to shake her hand. “Nice to meet you again, Clara. How’ve you been after graduating />
“I’ve been through a couple jobs since then,” Clara said with a polite smile. “It’s good to see you again Mr. Lyram.”
“Please, call me Steve.”
“Oh, okay.” Clara seemed caught off guard by that even though I’d warned her that my parents would probably want to go by their first names.
“And you can call me Anne,” my mom said, offering Clara a short hug. “I’m so happy to meet my son’s first real girlfriend. After that fiasco with Risha in high school, I thought he might have sworn off women.”
“Uh, mom? Really, you’re talking about my ex in front of Clara? Well, this is />
Dad put a hand on my shoulder, “Ha, you should see your face, Felix! Did you forget the contract we had to sign to take you home from the hospital after you were born?”
“What do you mean?” Clara asked.
Dad seemed elated to have a new person to share his stories with. Dad grinned cheerfully, “Every parent has to sign a contract that obligates them to embarrass their kids as often as possible. You didn’t know?”
Clara stifled a laugh and shook her head, “I see where Felix gets his sense of humor, or lack there of,” she added with a smile.
Dad put his hand over his chest as if he’d been stabbed. “Et tu, Clara? Et tu?”
“Okay, Caesar, you don’t need to quote my mom scolded cheerfully. “Besides, you deserved that one.”
“Oh fine,” he said with a huff. “I’ll just take their bags to their rooms then.”
“Where are we each sleeping?” I asked.
“Well, it’s not like you’re sleeping together, are you?” mom asked rhetorically.
Well, there it was, a lot sooner than I’d expected. I figured we’d tell them later, but I certainly hadn’t been looking forward to it. “Uh, well… You see, we-”
My older sister, Laura, came running into the hallway. She wrapped her arms around behind me as she hugged me with her typical ferocity. Laura was two years older than me, but she was about five inches shorter than me. She hair was cut fairly short and was a light chestnut color. Laura had pretty much been my mentor in high school. She had stuck up for me countless times to the upper classmen. If it hadn’t been for her, I’m sure those years would’ve been hell. She had finished grad school a couple years ago and was now a psychologist at a clinic about half an hour away.
Just as quickly as she’d grabbed me, she let go. Laura’s questions seemed to spill out at a rapid rate. Asking questions in rapid succession was her way to assess my current mental state. “I’m so happy to see you! How’s work? Is your apartment okay? Did you lose more weight? How’s the apartment? Is Clara here?”
“Already testing me, huh?” I said with a smile. “Okay, here goes. It’s good to see you too. It’s good. Good. A little bit. And look to your left.”
Clara said offering her hand, “You must be Laura.”
I am! Nice to meet you.” Laura said cheerfully as she shook Clara’s hand. My sister’s eyes darted back and forth between Clara’s and mine. She seemed to find something, since she flashed a knowing smile in my direction. I felt a kernel of worry in my heart, but before I could wonder what she’d seen, Andy made his entrance.
“Hey, long time no see!” Andy stopped a few feet away and raised his hand in greeting. “My name’s Andy. You must be Clara.”
Finally, now everyone was finished with introductions, we agreed to continue the conversation in the living room. My parents house was decently sized; though not overly large when all of us kids were home, there was plenty of room for the six of us around the room. Laura and Andy sat on the couch together. Mom sat in the recliner leaving the appropriately named loveseat for Clara and me. After dad returned with Max, he sat in the easy-chair next to mom. Now that we were all in one place, the questions came quickly. Clara and I took turns answering their questions. The questions varied from Clara’s past to our favorite dates. The questions were pretty routine for us by this point.
Finally, after over almost an hour of conversation, storytelling, and questions, my sister asked us a something that I doubt anyone expected. “So, Felix, how did Clara convince you to ask her out?”
“What do you mean by that, Laura?” Mom was clearly as surprised by the question as the rest of us.
“Seriously, mom? Felix has always been pretty timid when it comes to women. No offense, Felix, but you’re not really the most outgoing. She must’ve done something that encouraged you to ask.” Laura had hit the nail on the head, as usual. I honestly don’t know how Andy could stand being married to someone who could essentially much read minds like a normal person reads a book. Anyone who marries a therapist is either madly in love or simply mad. “So, how did she do it?”
“Well, it was the day I moved into my apartment. And, well, we were finished for the most part, and then, uh… She… Uh, help?” I turned to Clara as I struggled to describe what had occurred.
worry, Tiger. I’ve got this.” Clara patted me on the arm. It was also the first time she'd called me by that nickname since our arrival. Laura’s lips curled into a small smirk when she heard Clara address me as right, Anne. I’d been waiting for Felix to ask me out for a long time, but he’s pretty clueless. So after we’d finished getting his apartment arranged, Abbie, Sophie, and I took showers before supper. But I sort of, forgot my clean clothes. So while I was wearing a towel I asked Felix to go get my clothes from my apartment.” I felt my face flush with embarrassment as the entire room erupted with laughter. The dog, who had been sleeping soundly perked up from his spot on the floor.
Andy said with a chuckle. “You weren’t even trying to be subtle.”
“Actually, I’d been trying subtlety for months; it just didn’t work.” Clara smiled broadly in my direction.
“Well, I can’t say I expected that,” my mom exclaimed. “Though I am glad you were at least wearing a towel. Otherwise, I don’t think Felix would’ve been able to wait until the two of you were />
Well there it was. Unlike last time, Laura wasn’t going to earn us a reprieve by interrupting this time. Clara grabbed hold of my hand to reassure me that I had her support. I took a deep breath and looked up. It was hard, but I knew I had to look my mom in the eye. I wasn’t ashamed of what I’d done, but I was afraid of how she’d react. I began hesitantly, “Clara and I have already slept />
The silence that fell over the room was so thick that you could cut it with a knife. Mom’s face was frozen in shock. It took all of my effort to maintain eye contact with her. I wanted her to shriek, to yell, or scold me. Anything seemed better than the silence, but when she finally spoke, I realized how wrong I was, “You what!? Didn’t we teach you kids that you should wait? What were you />
I was scared speechless, but luckily my sister intervened. “Calm down, mom.”
“Calm down!? Didn’t you hear what your brother just said.”
“Of course I heard,” Laura said patiently, “and I actually admire him for his honesty.” I offered a silent prayer of thanks for having a big sister like her.
“You admire him? They haven’t even been dating half a year and they’re already having sex!”
“I said I admired his honesty,” Laura said diplomatically. “Besides, when you consider the conversation we had this afternoon, it looks like he has more faith in you than you do in him.” Mom appeared to be as taken aback by that statement as I was, but Laura didn’t relent. “Remember, you said you were worried that Felix was only pretending that Clara was his girlfriend to hide the fact that he’s gay.” That hit me like a ton of bricks. My mom thought I might be gay? Not just that, but she thought I’d hide it by getting a fake girlfriend?
“That was a conversation between us, you don’t need to share the details with everyone else,” mom protested.
“Felix also didn’t have to tell you that he and Clara had slept together,” my sister reasoned. “Mom, haven’t you seen how happy he’s been tonight? I haven’t seen him this cheerful since he was eight years old.” Laura’s next argument was played like a trump card, “After the hell he’s been through, can you really blame him for taking hold of that kind of />
Laura took notice of Mom’s waning certainty as she continued, “Mom, you’re not looking at what’s truly />
“And what’s that?” mom asked.
My sister turned her gaze in my direction. in love with Clara. Right, Felix?”
I answered immediately.
“And how about you?” she asked Clara.
“With all my heart,” Clara said firmly.
We all turned to look at my mom, who sat in her chair as still as stone. When she finally spoke, she rose to her feet and said, “I… need some time to think things over. If you’ll excuse me, I think I’m going to call it a night.”
Dad also stood up to follow mom. “I’ll go talk to her, but I want you to know you’ve got my support. G’night everyone.”
We returned the sentiment as he walked off. Now it was just the four of us. Andy was the first to speak, “And that, Felix Clara, is why I will never win an argument at home for as long as I live.” We all got a good laugh from that statement.
“Aw, don’t feel bad,” Laura patted his arm consolingly. “I’m sure you’ll win one someday. but first you have to be right.”
“You see what I deal with at home?” Andy joked as he put his arm around Laura.
“Thanks, sis,” I said seriously.
“For what?”
I stared in unbelief. “For supporting us.”
Clara agreed, quietly. “Felix warned me that Anne would probably be upset, but I wasn’t expecting her to be so emphatic about it. I don’t know how we would’ve managed things if you hadn’t />
worry about it,” Laura waved off our thanks. “I figured it would come up; Felix is always so />
“Cowboy, monkey, eagle feather!” I blurted out.
she conceded, “I’ll admit that you can be random, but when it comes to dealing with people, you’re incredibly />
I was almost afraid ask but I had to know, “So mom really thought I might be gay?”
Laura pursed her lips in thought. “I don’t think she truly believed you were gay,” she said, choosing her words with care. “I think she just wanted to be prepared for anything. From her point of view both Brandon and I got married before we were your age, and she was probably beginning to worry about you. Now that those fears turned out to be unfounded, she’s fallen back to her traditional stance on the issue.”
Laura’s insight into the human psyche was astounding. I looked in Andy’s do not envy you one bit.”
“I plead the fifth,” he stated flatly.
“Oh you’ll pay for that one, mister,” Laura elbowed him lightly in the ribs.
“Threats and abuse?” Andy gasped in feigned shock. “I think we need need marriage counseling. Does anyone know a good />
“Shut up, you big lug,” Laura laughed as she turned to be on the receiving end of a light kiss. A moment later, she turned back to address the pair of us. “Mom will come around,” Laura reassured us. “Just give her time. After all, you’re her baby boy.”
“So how did you know that the issue would come up in the first place?” Clara asked. “I realize that, as a therapist, you could probably figure out how we felt, but how could you know we’d been having sex?”
“Credit that to intuition and experience I suppose,” Laura said with a half smile. “After all, you’re not the only one of her children who had sex with someone without getting married. You’re just the only one who thought it was a good idea to tell that fact to our />
Well that was news to me, “What!? You mean you and />
“Yep. Brandon and Marie too.”
“Seriously? You’re not just making that up to make me feel better?”
Laura confirmed with a nod. “I’m still as bad at lying as when we were kids, and Andy isn’t any better.”
“Hey! I’m way better at lying than you are,” Andy protested, indignantly, “I’m just not stupid enough to think I could get away with it.”
“Okay, I’ll let you have that one,” Laura said, offering her husband a smile. She then turned back to us. “I mean, it’s not like you had sex the night you started dating, right?” Her question was asked in jest, but our silence certainly wasn’t the answer she was expecting.
“No Laura’s jaw dropped as she realized the truth, but she recovered from her shock quickly. “Ha! I don’t believe it! Oops, sorry, that was a little loud wasn’t it. I don’t think mom should know; she’d have a cow.” Laura continued at a more normal volume, “Though, I suppose you could make the argument that since you’ve been friends for so long, that you didn’t technically rush into things.”
what I told him,” Clara immediately chimed in. “He thought we were moving too />
“I suppose that shouldn’t surprise me, that is so Felix,” Laura rolled her eyes. The four of us continued to chat until about ten-thirty. Laura took Max out before she and Andy went to bed in her old bedroom. I showed Clara the way to my brother’s old room. My parents had converted it into a guest room while I’d still been at home. I gave Clara a kiss and wished her a good night’s sleep before going to my own room to lie down.
As I lay in bed, I found myself both exhausted and on edge. I’ve always been amazed at how tiring sitting in a car can be. When you think about it, it’s the car that does all the actual work. It's the mere monotony that saps your energy. But despite how tired I was, I couldn’t keep from dwelling on the earlier conversation with my parents. I’d expected mom to react strongly, but the look on her face: it looked like she felt betrayed. Part of me felt as though I’d done something wrong. Another part knew that I’d told the truth when lying would’ve been much easier.
My parents had taught me a lot of things.
Human beings are overflowing with emotions, so never be afraid to smile or cry.
Always have a positive outlook on life, but don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Be true to yourself, even when others tell you to change.
Never do something you’ll come to regret later in life.
Always tell the truth.
I was sure I’d followed the last one to the letter by telling mom and dad the truth; so why did I feel so hollow? I was no amateur when it came to lying. After all, every time you smile and say ‘Good morning’ when suffering from depression is an insincere gesture to say the least, and I’d managed that for years. It’s likely I could have looked my parents straight in the eye and denied ever having sex with Clara, but I’d chosen to tell the truth even though I might regret it someday. “Fucking I muttered in frustration as I rolled onto my side. I tossed and turned for nearly a full hour before I was able to fall asleep.
Part 2:
I wouldn’t say it was a good night’s rest, but when I awoke the next morning, I did feel a little bit better. It was a bit after six, so I decided to get up. Growing up, my dad and I were the only ones who got up early. Hopefully I’d get a chance to talk to him alone before everyone else got up. I put on enough clothes to appear decent and walked downstairs to the kitchen.
“Good morning.” Sure enough dad was already sitting at the table reading the news on his tablet, but he hadn’t opened. Mom sat next to him nursing a cup of coffee in her hands. Her eyelids seemed heavy, she’d never been much of a morning person. Mom motioned to a chair, “Have a seat, I wanted to talk to you before the others woke up.”
“Morning mom,” I said, somewhat startled. “I wasn’t expecting to see you up this early.”
she smiled wistfully, “but we-” dad cleared his throat softly, forcing mom to correct herself, “but I wanted to talk with you. Alone.”
My heart sank. She hadn’t come to the conclusion I’d been hoping for. Based on dad’s lack of reaction to me being at the table, it appeared he still supported my decision even though his wife disagreed. “If this is about what I told you last night, then it would be best if Clara was here too.”
“No,” she shook her head emphatically, “just you for now.” She waited for me to sit before she continued. “So, were you telling the truth last night?”
I nodded slowly.
“Felix, I want you to stop having sex with Clara.”
Dad stiffened slightly at her tone, and I felt my heart sink even further. I asked softly.
“You know why,” she stated firmly. “If you have sex before marriage, it makes divorce that much more likely. Divorce rates weren’t nearly as high in the past when people waited for each other.”
It seemed mom’s mindset was unchanged from when I was a kid. Somehow, I had to change her mind at least a little bit. I took a deep breath, “Mom, correlation doesn’t equal causation. It’s true that divorce rates have risen in the world, but the reason isn’t too much sex; it’s because people aren’t willing to make sacrifices for the ones they love. If people truly love one another, they’re both willing to-”
“Then if Clara truly loves you,” Mom interrupted, “then she’ll continue to love you if you stop sleeping />
Her words made logical sense, but it wasn’t a fair choice. Plus, there was a glaring flaw that I had to point out, “Mom, we don’t love each other because we’ve had sex; we have sex to show our love for each other.”
how it works after you’re married, not before.” mom snapped. “Felix, we taught you to never do something that you could regret later in life. Son, right now you need to choose.”
Part 3A:
Steve calmly set down his tablet. “Anne, a word in private please,” he said as he stood from the table.
“What is it?” she asked.
“Not in front of Felix.” he replied evenly. Anne followed her husband to the bedroom. Steve gently closed the door and before he began to speak, “Anne, what are you doing?” he asked.
“You know damn well what I’m doing,” Anne answered. “I’m protecting our son.”
“From what? His heart?” Steve laughed, but there was no joy in it.
“He’s our son! We have to keep him safe. He doesn’t know what he’s doing,” she insisted.
“Felix is a grown man,” Steve countered. “He’s twenty-five years old. Laura’s first anniversary occurred before she was his age. Brandon’s second came just after his twenty-fourth />
“That doesn’t mean he can’t make />
“It also doesn’t mean this is a mistake. For all we know, Laura might’ve married the wrong guy! They could get divorced in a few years.”
“You don’t actually believe that. Do you Steve?”
“Of course I he answered quickly. “But I also can’t believe that Felix is making a mistake by falling in love with Clara.”
“How can they be in love? They’ve barely been dating for four months!”
Steve’s voice was hard and unyielding, “Felix and Clara have known each other for years. I asked you out a week after meeting you and proposed to you after dating for a mere seven months. Seven! Five months after that we got married. We were married barely a year after we even met. How long did it take for you to know you were in love with me?”
different.”
“How is it />
“We didn’t have sex while we were dating,” Anne argued. “So our hearts and minds weren’t clouded by the same physical yearnings.” Steve laughed again, but this time there was genuine mirth there as well. so funny?” she snapped.
“You seem to remember things a lot differently than I do. Our hormonal urges were running just as wild as Felix’s might be now,” Steve shook his head. “Do you remember that time at the drive in movie when we almost choked on each other’s tongues? How about that night we got back from seeing ‘Fiddler on the Roof.’ If my roommate hadn’t returned when he did, then in all />
enough,” Anne interrupted him before he could finish.
“Anne, my point is that Felix is smart. On top of that, When he was just sixteen he was a hell of a lot more mature than I was when you gave birth to />
make the right choice,” Anne said grimly. “I’m sure of it.”
“We raised him well, so I know he will,” Steve shook his head sadly. “I just don’t think it’ll be the choice you want.”
Part 3B:
“Mom, we don’t love each other because we have sex,” I protested, “We have sex to show our love for each other.”
how it works after you’re married, not before.” mom snapped. “Felix, we taught you to never do something that you could regret later in life. Son, right now you need to choose.”
Choose.
How could I choose? Choose to disappoint the woman who raised me or distance myself from the woman I loved? Simply put, there was no good choice.
Dad calmly set down his tablet. “Anne, a word in private please,” he said as he stood from the table.
“What is it?” she asked.
“Not in front of Felix.” he replied evenly.
Mom followed him to their bedroom. I heard the latch close, then they began to talk. I couldn’t make out the actual words since they were speaking just a bit louder than normal, but from the tone of their voices I could tell that they were arguing. It wasn’t hard to guess what they were arguing about. Mom was upset with me and dad thought she had gone too far.
It’s happening again, I realized. They’re arguing again, and it’s my fault. It’s all MY fault! I knew I wanted, no, needed to be alone. I couldn’t face anyone right now, not when I was to blame for all of this. If I just had time to think, I was sure I could figure out a way to solve this.
I went back up to my bedroom and lay in bed, still dressed. I could still hear my parents’ voices occasionally. Both of them were beyond stubborn. If I couldn’t figure out a way to resolve this, then it would be my fault when the family fell apart. But how do I fix what I did wrong? I wondered. What had I actually done wrong? Was it wrong for me to have sex with Clara? No, I reasoned, “I love Clara. I know that what I feel for her is love, so it has to be something else.
Then, the answer hit me like a ton of bricks. Laura and Andy had apparently slept together before getting married, so sex wasn’t the problem. But unlike them, I realized, I told mom the truth. It made sense now, mom and dad hadn’t argued back then, but that was only because they hadn’t known.
How do I fix this? Should I go tell mom I was lying about sleeping with Clara? No, that wouldn’t work, she’d know I had been telling the truth. After all, I’d even confirmed that it was the when she asked me this morning. No, I couldn’t go back and change what I’d done. Damn, Felix, you really are a fucking worthless piece of shit! I berated myself. If you can’t figure out a way to fix this, you don’t even deserve to have a family!
With that realization, I began to weep. As the tears began to flow, I buried my face in the pillow. I wanted to scream at myself for being beyond worthless. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. I was considering trying to smother myself with my pillow when I noticed that I could no longer hear my parents arguing. Maybe it’s over, I thought, hopeful for the first time since getting in bed. Maybe they’re done arguing! But that hope was quickly squashed. No, that wouldn’t be the last of it. There’d be another fight, and each and every argument would drive my parents further apart. And the whole thing was my fault. The thin ray of hope dwindled to nothing as the guilt returned full force. Oh God, what have I done? What do I do?
Part 4A:
It was almost quarter to eight when Clara finally got out of bed. Without an alarm clock she almost never woke up before eight, but it was good that she was up early. Felix always woke up early, hopefully she’d be able to talk to him so they could come up with ideas for handling Anne if she hadn’t changed her mind. So Clara made her way down to the kitchen. When she arrived in the dining room, she didn’t see Felix. Worse yet, Anne was already awake.
“Good morning,” Clara said cheerfully. She’d been hoping to start off on the right foot, but the welcome she received was anything but warm. Steve, his mouth full of toast, raised his hand in a friendly greeting, but Anne simply glared at her. To Clara, it was obvious that Anne hadn’t changed her mind. Clara awkwardly remained standing, it seemed like it would be rude to sit at the family table when she obviously wasn’t welcome. Instead, Clara decided to ask about her boyfriend, Felix? Did he go for a walk?”
“He’s still in bed,” Anne said with a tone that didn’t encourage any further questions.
But the answer only confused Clara, “He’s still in bed? It’s almost eight, Felix almost never sleeps this late.”
“And how would you know,” Anne accused angrily. “Do the two of you share a bed so often that you know his sleeping patterns that well?”
Clara was taken aback by how vehement Anne’s accusation sounded. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Lyram, Clara unconsciously reverted to addressing Anne in a formal manner. “I’ve known that Felix was an early riser long before we started dating. In college he was one of the few students who was actually awake early on the weekends. Is he feeling alright? Is he sick?”
“He was awake earlier, but he was tired and decided to go back to bed.” Once again, Anne’s voice had a tone of finality to it that would brook no argument.
Steve cleared his throat before speaking, “Anne, don’t lie to her. She deserves to know the truth.”
“Then you tell her. I’ll be on the porch.” Anne stood up and walked away from the table.
“Mr. Lyram, what’s going on?” Clara’s voice was panicked. “Is he sick? What happened? Please, just tell me what’s wrong.”
“It’s Steve, remember, and please, have a seat,” Steve motioned to the the chair across from his. Steve could see how worried the young woman was. Clara cared deeply for his son, but this wasn’t going to be easy for her to hear. As he described Anne’s mindset and the conversation with Felix earlier, Clara’s face grew more and more anxious.
“She asked him to choose?” Clara asked in disbelief once Steve had finished the story. She was afraid to ask the next part, but she had to know, “What did he say?”
“He didn’t say anything, when it got to that point, I took Anne to our room to talk privately. By the time we got back, Felix was already up in his room.”
Despite how worried she was, Clara sighed in relief. Neither choice was good. Clara was secretly hoping that he’d choose her, but it wouldn’t be right for Felix to lose his mom because of he’d fallen in love. “Can I go check on him? Please, I just want to make sure he’s doing alright.”
Steve sat back in his chair to think, “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he said finally. “If Anne finds out that you went up to see him alone, she’d probably get more angry.” He held up his hand to forestall Clara’s argument. “Tell you what,” he continued, “I’ll go up and check on him, and I’ll let you know how it goes.”
“Thank you, Steve,” Clara sighed in relief.
mention it,” he said with a smile. “After all, he’s my son.”
Steve went upstairs and knocked on his son’s door, He waited for a reply, but when none came, he opened the door to look inside. The sight inside Felix’s room pulled on strings of Steve’s heart. Felix was lying in bed, still fully clothed with his back towards the door. His face was pressed into the pillow.
“Hey, Felix,” Steve asked quietly. “Are you doing okay?”
Felix took a moment to collect his thoughts. When he did speak, his voice cracked from emotion, “I’m fine dad.” Steve knew his son well enough to know that he would rather lie than make others worry about him. “Can you tell mom I’m sorry? It- It’s, I’m sorry! It’s all my fault!”
Felix’s words sent a chill down Steve’s spine. It had been years since his son had said those words with such worry. It was clear that to Steve that his son was in the middle of a relapse. The stress and anxiety brought on by Anne’s confrontation had triggered a resurgence of the self blame and doubt that had plagued Felix’s psyche throughout his adolescence. .
Steve couldn’t remember Felix sounding so distraught in the past ten years. Steve longed to comfort his son, but that would only make it worse. He had to find a way to figure out how to approach this, to help Felix realize that it was his thoughts were not reality. Steve stepped back out into the hallway a slowly closed the door with a sigh, “Oh Anne, what have you done?”
Part 4B:
Time had no meaning to me that day. The minutes passed at a crawl as I tried to come up with an answer, but I couldn’t find any way to fix this. Even though I was still crying, my tears seemed to have run out. At some point, I heard a knock at the door. I couldn’t face anyone right now; I couldn’t fix things yet. I stayed silent as the visitor opened the door.
“Hey, Felix,” my dad asked quietly, “are you doing okay?”
What does he mean? I wondered. Why is he worried about me when this is all my fault? “I’m fine dad,” I lied without turning to look at him. My nose was clogged after what felt like hours of crying; so I sniffed before adding, “Can you tell mom I’m sorry? It-, I sniffed again, “I’m sorry, it’s all my fault!” I sobbed loudly.
Even though I couldn’t see him, I knew he was still there. I could almost picture him looking at me in anger because of what I’d done, and he was right. I wanted dad to yell at me. Anything was better than having him glare silently into my back. Finally I heard the hinges creak as he closed the door. Just as it latched behind him, I just barely heard him mumble something that, once again, made me burst into tears.
It sounded like he’d said, “Young man, what have you done.”
Part 5A:
Clara was sitting at the table nervously when Steve returned. She looked up, hoping for good news, but Steve just shook his head. “It’s not good,” he sighed. “I think his OCD is having a field day.”
Clara said softly, “what exactly does that mean?”
“He hasn’t told you about how bad it used to be?” Clara just shook her head, “That figures. Even if he told you the story it’s likely he would’ve downplayed how bad it was.”
Steve sat down and began to explain. “Well, Felix would be considered atypical when it comes to pretty much everything. I used to say that he never committed halfway to anything, and that includes his mental health. The symptoms probably started long before he reached fifth grade, and we probably would’ve noticed them if we’d known what to look for. As it was, we missed everything. He had high standards for himself, and that made his mom and I proud as hell. Even though he has OCD, Felix was never the neatest kid, but he was a perfectionist. His penmanship was atrocious, so he’d spend hour after hour getting the curve on an ‘S’ just right.”
“After he turned ten, Felix became more… withdrawn. He began to spend more and more time on his homework. His grades had always been stellar, and they didn’t drop a bit. We should’ve seen it for what it was. When a fifth grader spends three hours a night working on homework rather than going to play at a friend’s house… Well, let’s just say hindsight’s a bitch.” Steve dropped his gaze to inspect his fingertips. “Felix began to make everything a routine: A specific pattern for brushing teeth, eating his supper in the same order every night, always stepping with the right foot first, you get the />
“On their own, each of these is just a quirk. I don’t like to let my foods touch and I usually brush my teeth on autopilot, but for Felix, it was like he needed to do it that way. If something interfered with any of his routines, he’d break out into a panic. ‘It’s not the right way,’ he’d insist. What difference did it make, we thought. Felix tried to explain, but he couldn’t find a reasonable way to say it. The next year, his attitude changed. He’d always been so positive, but suddenly he was sad and quiet. ‘It’s just a phase,’ we reasoned. grow out of it.’”
“That same year his first tics began to show. Listen, I know it sounds terrible, but we didn’t realize anything was wrong until there was something we could actually see.That year he was diagnosed with OCD, clinical depression, acute anxiety, and Tourette />
“The neurologist was one of those doctors who would try throwing pills at the problem until it goes away. Clara, if you ever get a doctor who does that, ask for a different doctor. I’m not saying that medications are bad, because they can definitely help a lot, but that doctor prescribed over twenty separate medications over the course of eighteen months. Normal side effects improve after the human body adjusts to the meds, but when you’re changing them that quickly, it gets ugly. Add to that adolescent hormones, and… Well, I won’t bore you with the details, but it wasn’t pretty.”
OCD was a little unique. Typically the obsessive thoughts and actions are accompanied by irrational fears of what will happen if you don’t do something about it. In pop culture, OCD is often just the compulsion side of thing of it, but the obsessive side of it is almost all consuming. Felix struggled most with self-blame. He blamed himself for everything on that went wrong around him, even if he wasn’t the slightest bit involved, his OCD still made him feel responsible. The summer before Felix entered high school, we found a doctor at Mayo Clinic that specialized in OCD treatment. After two months of intense daily therapy, our son finally had the tools to manage his OCD. He still needed meds, but they were a lot more effective with his new coping skills. Felix still had some issues, but the OCD was almost a non factor, but it looks like the stress from Anne caused a />
It was a lot for Clara to take in all at once. Felix had always glossed over the details of how bad things had been. Even Steve’s cliff notes were more detailed than anything she’d heard before. “So what kind of things did that doctor teach him?”
“A bunch of stuff, but ‘Thought was probably the most effective for his />
thought Clara asked.
you analyze each individual part of the obsession and give a reason for why it isn’t rational,” Steve supplied.
“But if the brain isn’t processing things normally, how do you determine what is and isn’t />
“Sorry, I guess I forgot to explain that part,” Steve said apologetically. “The key was for Felix to assume all thoughts were irrational until he could prove them otherwise, but as you can see it isn’t a perfect system.”
“So why isn’t he using it now?”
“I can only guess,” Steve shrugged. “It might be because he’s so anxious right now, or it could be because he’s out of practice. But one thing’s for sure, it’s a lot harder to realize when something is wrong when it’s the only thing you see. I suppose you could liken it to a dream. One time, I had a dream that Max was a candy cane. Even though I took that candy cane for a walk, I didn’t see anything wrong with it until I woke up.”
“So… Inception?” Clara said with a grin.
“Yeah, it’s also about as impossible to explain as that movie’s plot,” Steve laughed.
The two shared a moment of levity before Clara brought them back to reality by asking, “So how do we help him? I don’t want to make Anne angry, but if Felix is in that />
“I see what you mean,” Steve sighed. “I’m waiting for Laura to get up. As a therapist, she’ll know a good way to go about this without making Anne any />
mom angry about?” Laura walked, bleary eyed, into the dining room. “But before you answer that question, tell me where the coffee is.”
Steve glanced in Clara’s direction, “If you get Laura her coffee, I can explain the situation. By the way, she takes it with cream and three sugars.”
Clara nodded and made her way to the kitchen. She was relieved to find the current pot still warm almost half full. She was about to put the cream in when when she heard Laura exclaim, “She said what!? What the hell is Mom thinking!? Jesus, how did he react?” Clara couldn’t help but wince at that last part. As she stirred the sugar into the coffee, Clara wondered what would happen if Steve was right about Felix’s current mental state.
On one hand, Clara reasoned, Felix had dealt with far worse. Even if, God forbid, he did truly relapse, unlike the past this time Felix had the skills to cope with the stress. So in all likelihood, he would recover comparatively fast. On the other hand, Clara couldn’t tell what this would mean for their relationship. Would this make Felix reconsider his feelings for her? Would she be strong enough to help him through it, or would she be unable to handle the stress? No, she shook her head in an attempt to push that thought from her mind. I love him. If I can’t be there for him when he needs me, then this isn’t love. As she was reminded of the old fashioned wedding vows, ‘For richer, for poorer; in sickness, in health…’ a smile crept over Clara’s face. It’d probably be best if she didn’t let anyone know she was already getting wedding thoughts. No, her smile grew, Felix doesn’t need any more stress right now. It’ll happen if, no when it happens.
Clara returned to the dining room with Laura’s coffee just as Steve was finishing with his explanation. “So that’s where we’re at,” he stated. “I’m not sure the best way to go about this. I was hoping you had some ideas.” Clara offered the coffee mug, but Laura didn’t even look up from the table.
The woman’s jaw was clenched and her hands were balled into fists. “Oh I’ve got a lot of ideas,” Laura said, her voice filled with a barely controlled anger. “Most of them have to do with beating mom into a pulp.”
“Laura Samantha Lyram!” Steve snapped. “That isn’t helpful right now. I know he’s your little brother, but that is too far! You’re the one who’s best equipped to handle this, and Felix needs you to keep a level head. Besides,” he continued more calmly, “If I’m right about Felix’s current obsession, any conflict between the rest of us will only make it worse.”
“Relax, dad,” Laura said after taking a deep breath, “I wouldn’t actually do that, even if I really wanted to, and my last name isn’t Lyram anymore. I’m going to go talk to Felix, but I don’t think I’ll be the one to fix this.”
Clara’s heart skipped a beat, “Why not?”
“Because the person who knows best what he’s going through is Felix />
“But then why hasn’t he-”
“Because his mind is trapped in a loop. Once he recognizes his obsession for what it is, I’m confident he’ll use the coping skills he’s />
we at least help him? What if he doesn’t figure out something’s wrong?”
Laura offered Clara an amused smile, what I’m going to do. There’s no way I’d leave my little bro to fight this on his own.”
Laura took one last sip of coffee and started to make her way to Felix’s room. She knocked lightly and poked her head into her brother’s room, “Felix, can I come in?”
Her brother didn’t answer so she opened the door further and stepped into the dark room. What’s going on />
“What do you mean?” Felix finally replied.
Laura sat on the edge of his bed, “Well, dad said you weren’t doing so well, but even if he hadn’t told me, I’m not stupid. I know when you’re hurting.” Felix didn’t respond, so Laura continued, “Felix, please, tell me what’s wrong. You know you can trust me.”
When Felix finally did speak, his voice was choked with emotion, “I fucked up sis. I really fucked up.”
“Everyone messes things up once in awhile.”
“You didn’t. Not like this.”
“I told you last night, Andy and I slept together; so did Brandon and Marie, so all of us-”
“But you and Brandon didn’t tell mom or dad about it!” Felix interrupted. “I’m the only one who was stupid enough to tell them, and now they’re fighting with each other! If I’d just lied. If only I With those words,Felix broke down in tears.
So that’s it, Laura realized. The sisterly part of her was glad that Felix didn’t regret any aspect of his relationship with Clara, but now it was time to confront her brother’s irrational train of thought. “Felix, that doesn’t make sense.”
/>
“You remember the mom and dad taught us when we were kids?”
be afraid to show emotion. Stay positive. Ask for help when you need it. Stay true to yourself. Don’t make decisions you’ll regret. And-” Up until that point, Felix’s response had been automatic, like he was reciting a memorized list, but he seemed to hesitate for a moment. “And that’s it.”
“You missed one: never lie. But you know that, don’t you?” Laura gently scolded, but Felix simply remained silent. Laura sighed. “Felix, you’re my brother. I probably know you better than even mom or dad. When we were kids, I watched helplessly as you struggled with your health. I became a therapist to help kids who struggle with the same kind of things you did. The kind of thing you’re going through right now.”
Felix seemed to be startled by that revelation, but Laura barely paused.
“I know OCD was something that you needed a lot of help with in the past. This time though, I’m confident you can help />
Felix finally broke his silence, “What do you mean?”
“You have the coping skills to help yourself, but I can stick around if you want to talk.”
There was a long moment before Felix replied, “Thanks, sis, but I think I’ve got this.”
Laura inwardly sighed with relief; her little brother was finally breaking out of the loop. She could leave to him to handle the rest. “I know you do, big guy. You’ve beaten this before, I’m sure you’ll do it again.”
Laura went back downstairs to the dining room where both her dad and Clara were waiting. Clara still seemed filled with worry, so Laura smiled reassuringly and said, “He’s got this. Now we just have to wait.”
Part 5B:
Hearing the disappointment in my dad’s voice was too much. After he left, the tears, which I thought had been depleted, flowed forcefully once again. As my already damp pillow got even wetter I wondered if I could’ve screwed things up any worse. I should’ve known that mom wouldn’t react favorably to the truth about Clara and me. So why did I tell her? Was I naive or just stupid? Would I be able to set things right, or would I be the wedge that threatened to split the family in two?
Those questions and more ran unchecked through my mind for what felt like hours, but I was no closer to any answers when my thoughts were interrupted by a knock on my door. “Felix, can I come in?” my sister asked as she opened the door partway.
I hoped that if I stayed quiet she would just leave so I could think, but instead she came further into the room, going on />
That nickname brought back a lot of memories from childhood. The nickname had evolved, an ironic choice of words to be sure, from its original meaning. Initially, Laura had used the pokemon’s name to insult me for being thick headed and stubborn, but as we matured, she used it to emphasize my resilience and determination when faced with problems. I don’t know which one she meant this time, but honestly, I didn’t care.
“What do you mean?” I asked, hoping to discourage the rest of the conversation..
But Laura wasn’t deterred. She even walked over to my bed and sat down next to me as she continued to speak, “Well, dad said you weren’t doing so well, but even if he hadn’t told me, I’m not stupid. I know when you’re />
I was left speechless. How was I the one who’s hurting? It was my fault that mom and dad were fighting!
“Felix, please, tell me what’s wrong. You know you can trust me.”
I didn’t really feel like talking, but my confession spilled out faster than I could stop it, “I fucked up sis,” I said, my voice cracking, “I really fucked up!”
I could almost hear my sister’s comforting smile, “Everybody messes up once in awhile.”
“You didn’t. Not like this.”
““I told you last night, Andy and I slept together before we got hitched; so did Brandon and Marie! So all of us-”
“But you and Brandon didn’t tell mom about it!” I interrupted. How could she not see the real problem? Was I the only one who knew what the real problem was? “I’m the only one who was stupid enough to tell them, and now they’re fighting with each other! If I’d just lied. If only I I couldn’t finish my sentence as fresh tears began to stream down my face.
At first Laura remained silent. It seemed like she didn’t have an answer, “Felix, that doesn’t make sense.”
/>
“You remember the mom and dad taught us when we were kids?”
Of course I remembered them. Last night I’d even mentally reviewed the rules to live by that mom and dad had drilled into us. be afraid to show emotion,” I recited from memory, “Stay positive. Ask for help when you need it. Stay true to yourself. Don’t make decisions you’ll regret. And-” Shit, that’s right. That last rule. I couldn’t tell her that, or she’d try to deflect the responsibility for what was happening. “And that’s it,” I finally concluded.
“You missed one: never lie, but you know that, don’t you?” Laura’s soft correction seemed to hurt more than I expected. I realized she had a point. Our parents had declared that simple rule should never be broken or even bent. But telling the truth was why mom and dad were fighting. Wasn’t it?
Laura sighed before continuing. “Felix, you’re my brother. I probably know you better than anyone. When we were kids, I watched helplessly as you struggled with your health. I became a therapist to help kids who struggle with the same kind of things you did. The kind of thing you’re going through right now.”
Right now? Was Laura trying to say that I was in the midst of an obsession? Shouldn’t I have noticed something like that?
“I know OCD was something that you needed a lot of help with in the past,” Laura continued with barely a pause. “This time though, I’m confident you can help />
“What do you mean?” I asked quietly.
“You have the coping skills to help yourself, but I can stick around if you want to talk,” she offered.
For the first time in hours, I was able to truly think without spiraling into despair. I had needed Laura to help me realize what was going on, but she was right, I should do this on my own. I took a deep breath, “Thanks, sis, but I think I’ve got this.”
“I know you do, big guy. You’ve beaten this before, I’m sure you’ll do it again.” Laura left the room, quietly closing the door. She was barely out of the room when I turned on my lamp.
“Okay, Felix,” I muttered aloud, do this.”
Part: 6
Step one: Relax
You might think that after lying in bed for a couple hours I should already be relaxed. It’s true I was rested, but I was extremely stressed. The fact was, I needed to be both relaxed and alert. I sat up in bed and put my feet on the floor and started to breathe deeply. There’s a multitude of breathing techniques out there, but almost all of them have to do with control. If you can control how and when you breath, it almost doesn’t even matter how fast you breath.
I started four-four breathing. It’s one of the simplest techniques I’d been taught, but also one of the most effective. Breathe in for four counts; hold it for four counts; breathe out for four counts; wait to breathe for four counts; repeat. After a few minutes of focusing on that pattern, I was able to maintain it with minimal effort. On to the next step.
Step two: Identify
Next I had to find the obsession. Laura had all but pointed that out to me. I’d been focusing so much on the idea that I should’ve lied, but that was a stupid notion. As a child I’d been taught the difference between right and wrong. I’d also been taught the significance of intent and deed. If I should choose to do something wrong, I’d better be sure my intentions were right and that they truly justified my actions. Lying to my parents because I was worried about their reaction wasn’t even close to justified. While it might’ve been better that they learned later on, that ship had sailed. Next came the hardest step.
Step 3: Evaluate
Compared to this step, all the others were a cake walk. I needed to figure out what I could’ve changed and what I would do moving forward. This isn’t something that can be done halfheartedly or when you’re at all distracted. Every option has to be considered, but you can’t dwell too long on anything. Dwell too long on any one thing and you risk that becoming an entirely new obsession. On the other hand, if you don’t examine each option carefully, you’re likely to overlook the solution entirely.
The best way to do it was to decide if the thoughts I had were true or false. If one was a grey area, I’d skip over it and come back to it.
Okay, I took another deep breath, let’s get to work and start with that obsession.
I should have lied to mom about Clara.
False. Why?
Lying is wrong.
True, so what should I have done?
I told mom the truth when I should’ve stayed silent.
Irellavant. Too Grey. Skip.
I told mom the truth because that’s the right thing to do even if she was upset by it.
True.
Mom was more upset at the news than dad was.
True.
Mom and dad are angry at each other.
They were arguing, so that might be true, but…
Mom was upset that I told her that-
Nope. Try again.
Mom was upset that Clara and I had slept together.
True.
Dad was angry with mom because she wasn’t okay with Clara and me.
Not really…
Dad was upset that mom was angry with me.
Closer.
Dad was upset that mom was as angry as she was.
Probably true.
Mom and dad are angry at each other.
No, mom is upset with me, and dad believes that she’s overreacting.
Mom and dad aren’t angry at each other.
True.
Mom is upset with me.
True.
Mom should be disappointed with me.
…
…
…
…
I didn’t know the answer to that question.
What I’d done was wrong according to my mother’s values, but I didn’t believe it was wrong to be with Clara. It wasn’t as though we were having casual sex. Both Clara and I were emotionally invested in each other. So much so because we were in love. I didn’t know whether mom was right to be disappointed in me, but now, I knew what to do.
Part 7:
After taking one last deep breath, I got up from bed and made my way downstairs. I was partway down when I heard chairs scooting across the dining room floor as people stood up from the table. When I reached the bottom of the steps, dad, Clara, and my sister were all just standing there, staring.
“So,” I said, trying to break the tension, everyone sleep?”
Clara stepped forward and wrapped her arms tightly around me as tears started to form in her eyes. She pressed the side of her head against my shoulder. “Oh, Felix,” she whispered, “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I said, trying to comfort her. I felt more than a little guilty that I had worried her to this extent. don’t cry. I’ve done plenty of that for both of us />
“We can see that,” Laura chuckled, “you look like shit.”
my dad scolded, but he couldn’t keep the relief he felt hidden inside. “I’m glad you’re doing better.”
I said as I nodded appreciatively, “but where’s mom? She and I need to talk.”
“On the porch,” he answered grimly. “What did you decide to tell her?”
Instead of answering dad’s question, I stepped away from Clara, but she refused to release my hand. />
be okay,” I promised. Then, with a smile, I squeezed her hand three times. Clara responded with four squeezes before letting go. “I’ll be back in a bit,” I promised.
“Good luck,” she softly called after me as I walked toward the front porch. When I got there, I found mom sitting with a magazine on her lap.
“So,” she said without even looking at me, “have you decided?” It felt like she was being deliberately confrontational.
“No,” I replied calmly as I took a seat in the wicker chair across from my mother.
“No? What do you mean Mom looked up at me sharply. It was obvious that she had expected me to make a decision. What she hadn’t been expecting was my bloodshot eyes and tear stained face. she gasped, “What happened? Are you-” The anger in her eyes was replaced by a look of concern.
“It means, I haven’t made a decision,” I said. Looking her straight in the eye, I continued, “Mom, even if you didn’t intend to, you asked me to make an impossible choice. You told me to choose between the woman who raised me and the woman that I love. That’s not a decision that I could make. How about you?”
My question had caught her completely off guard. />
“If you were told to choose between dad and Grandpa Walt, could you?”
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“Why? Because you’re />
Mom answered after a long moment of hesitation.
“If grandpa told you to make that choice before you and dad were married but after you’d fallen in love, what then?” Mom seemed to have trouble finding her answer. “You might not like it, but I love Clara.”
“That doesn’t justify the two of you having sex.”
“Maybe not,” I conceded with a shrug. “Or maybe it doesn’t even need to be justified. I only know that I don’t regret it, and our love has grown because of it.”
“How can you know?” mom’s tone was no longer angry; now she sounded worried. only been dating a few months. How can you know that you love each other?”
“I’m not sure how; I just do.”
“But what if you’re wrong? What if Clara doesn’t love you the same way? What if-”
a lot of ‘what I pointed out with a quiet chuckle. “I don’t know if my feelings will change, or if Clara’s feelings towards me might. The decisions I make can only be based on what I know, not what could be.”
Mom’s shoulders slumped as she dropped her gaze. matured and grown into a good man.”
say that,” I smiled and reached over to hold her hand. “I have the maturity of a high school freshman at best.”
“No,” mom smiled sadly. “Because of your health, you had to grow up fast, but you definitely grew up right.”
“You raised me right,” I assured her, “but there isn’t a parent alive that could’ve fixed my sense of humor.”
“You might be right,” mom sighed as a genuine smile came upon her face. “I don’t agree with your decision, but you might be right.” Mom started to go back inside, but I stopped her and gave her a hug. this for?”
my mom, and I love you. Do I need some other reason?”
“Ha, I suppose not. Let’s go back in; they’re probably wondering what’s taking us so long.”
When mom and I walked into the dining room together, it was totally silent. Clara, Laura, and my dad stood without saying a word.
I leaned over to mom and whispered loud enough for everyone to hear, everyone so quiet?”
Mom caught on immediately. “I don’t know. Do you think someone made a big deal out of nothing?” she replied with a stage whisper. “Maybe they should just talk it out. I hear that works pretty well.”
I feigned disbelief. “That would never work!”
Mom opened her mouth to continue the charade, but dad had already walked over to embrace his wife. The other two all but tackled me as they wrapped their arms tightly around me. I couldn’t help but smile at how things had turned out. Even if mom wasn’t necessarily happy with all of this, she was willing to accept my relationship with Clara. It was an emotional moment for everyone. Everyone except Andy who had the misfortune to arrive without the benefit of context.
“Jeez, I had the weirdest dream,” Andy grumbled as he walked into the dining room. “So what are we planning to do today? Hey, what’s going on? Are they engaged? The morning would be a terrible time to propose, Felix. I mean, just look at your face this early in the day. Seriously, what happened? Clara why are you laughing? Damn it, Laura, would you stop laughing and tell me what’s going on? What’s so funny this early in the morning? Screw it, I’m gonna get some coffee. Maybe then I’ll understand what you crazy people are laughing about.”
/>
The rest of Friday went by in a flash. Dad grilled a mountain of meat for lunch. He also cooked some hotdogs, but I don’t think those truly qualify as meat. We played a couple board games during the afternoon. Then early in the evening mom and dad took everyone out to the local steakhouse for supper. When Clara asked my dad how he and mom met, the entire table, excluding him, groaned loudly. About fifteen minutes into the story, our food arrived and the story was mercifully cut short. I swear, that story grows longer every time I hear it. He had barely gotten to the point he first saw her, so I guessed there would be at least another half an hour to the story if he hadn’t been interrupted. Dad sulked for a bit that he didn’t get to finish his story, but he joined in on the rest of the conversation.
After we had finished our steaks, we returned to the house to play games as a family. Our visit might’ve gotten off to a rough start, but as things wound down for the night, I felt sure that Clara had won everyone over. Not only did her smile light up the room, but it was more contagious than smallpox. Though I did make a mental note not to use that analogy when Clara was within earshot. Clara and I went to our separate beds around ten, so that we could get an early start the next day.
Saturday morning dad and I were the first ones up, followed by mom and Laura. Finally Clara and Andy woke up a quarter past eight. They were technically up and out of bed a few minutes before eight, but they didn’t truly wake up until their second cup of coffee. The entire group chatted until after lunch. Then, it was time for me and Clara to leave.
“Are you sure you two can’t stay a little longer? Why not wait until after supper?” Mom asked as I put Clara’s suitcase in the trunk of my car.
“We’d love to, but it’s a four hour drive,” I explained for the third time. It was clear that mom wanted to spend more time with us, but I also wanted to get back home to relax. “If we leave now, we’ll be back in time for supper; even if it is a little bit later than usual. Thanks for letting us come visit,” I said as I gave her a hug.
“Just make sure to come back soon,” mom said as she released me. Then she turned to Clara, “That goes for you too. I’m sure he’ll come back more often if you suggest it to him.”
Clara smiled, “I’ll try to do that, Mrs. Lyr-I mean Anne!”
“And I thought you’d never catch on,” Mom’s smile was genuine as she gave Clara a hug.
As I said my goodbyes to the others, I was sure I heard mom whisper something in Clara’s ear, but I couldn’t quite make out what she said. After a pause Clara nodded. This repeated twice more before mom stepped back with watery eyes. I didn’t know what to make of it, but I planned to ask Clara about it on the ride home.
I barely managed to wait until we were on the highway before I asked, “So, what did mom say?”
/>
‘hm’ me. When you were hugging my mom, she asked you some stuff. What was it?”
“Well first she apologized for how she acted. She asked if I could forgive her.”
“Okay, what else?”
“She asked me to promise that I would never hurt you.” When I snorted skeptically, she continued, “I’m serious! She’s worried about that!”
“Okay, okay,” I said placatingly. “So what was the third one?”
There was a pause before Clara said, “What makes you think there’s a third one?”
“Because you nodded three times before she let go.”
“Oh! That’s…. />
I became slightly worried. “Did she say something rude or-”
“No!” Clara said quickly. “It’s just, well, I don’t think I should share it. At least not right now.” I wasn’t sure if I should just let it rest when Clara continued, “Look, she didn’t say anything wrong, and I promise I’ll tell you when I think it’s a good time, so can we leave it at that.”
“I guess,” I sighed. I figured I should trust her about this, otherwise I would be reluctant to trust her about other things. But it was still hard to let go, so I decided to change the subject, “So what did you think of my family?”
“Well, your mom’s reaction aside, I’d say it went pretty well.”
“So they didn’t scare you off?”
“Nope. And if you’re brother is half as cute as Andy, then-”
“Oh, I get it! You’re just doing this because you know I can’t return the favor. Am I right?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she stated in a tone that was too innocent to be guiltless.
“You don’t have a sister that I can pretend to be attracted to, and I’m sure as hell not going to find your brother sexy.”
“Oh no! I’ve been found out!” Clara’s smile turned into an exaggerated expression of guilt. Soon though the look on her face changed again, as her lips curled into a seductive smile. right, I’m such a bad girl. Maybe I should be />
Holy fuck!
I’ll admit, I’d rather be dead than tell my mom the thoughts that went through my mind at that moment…
Let’s just say that the four hour ride back was like an eternity compared to the trip to my parents. For nearly the whole trip Clara had continued to tease me. It got so bad that there was actually a point that I considered pulling over to have sex in the back seat. The only way for me to maintain control of myself was to feign disinterest. It only served to encourage her, but I could almost convince myself that I wasn’t horny as hell.
It wasn’t just me who was worked up; Clara’s breathing seemed rather shallow for just sitting in a car for a few hours. For better or worse, we both still had all our clothes on when we pulled into the parking lot. I grabbed the bags from the trunk and raced after Clara with only one thought running through my mind.
Clara opened the door and I was barely through when I slammed it shut. I threw down the luggage and kissed her so forcefully it was almost violent. I probably would’ve felt guilty for how aggressive I was acting, but for everything Clara got, she paid back with interest. My erection that had been nearly constant since we left my parents was begging to be released from its denim prison. I lifted Clara up so that she could wrap her legs around me as we continued to kiss.
After a nearly a minute of making out, Clara withdrew her tongue. “So, what do you want to do for supper?” she teased after she got her breath back.
“I dunno,” I replied, panting. “The most delectable thing I can imagine is right in front of me.” Apparently it was the right thing to say, because her smile grew even bigger. However, I felt like I needed a bit of payback for the four hours of teasing I’d received in the car. “Then again,” I pretended to reconsider things, “Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to do a little bit of work in the kitchen before we go to bed.”
The confused look on Clara’s face was worth the teasing on the trip home. “What do you meEEEAAN!” Clara’s voice rose in a shriek as I lifted her up onto the kitchen counter. “Felix! What are you />
“What I’m thinking, little Missy, is that you were absolutely right.”
/>
“You, Clara, have been a very bad girl, and you deserve to be punished.”
I watched her reaction very closely. Her eyes seemed to be filled with excitement, worry, and lust all at the same time. In the end it didn’t take her long to decide. “What are you gonna do, daddy?”
I cringed slightly, “Being your dad is a little weird. How about your boss?”
Clara suggested.
“Eh,” I shrugged, “I suppose that’d work.” There was a moment’s silence as we both tried to figure out where to start. In the end it was Clara who went first.
“So… You wanted to see me, Mr. Lyram?” Clara said, dropping her chin slightly so that she had to raise her eyes to look up at me. That simple act made her seem so vulnerable, so innocent, that it was almost too easy to slip into the role of her teacher.
“It’s Miss Evans, />
“Call me Clara.”
“Thank you, Miss Evans, but I prefer not to use my students’ first names. You see, as a professor at this university I have to be act professionally and set an example for the students to follow.”
“Fuck that!”
“Watch your />
“Or what?” Clara tantalizingly baited the hook with something so almost impossible to resist.
Almost impossible.
“Or your grade will drop even further,” I said solemnly. “Honestly, Miss Evans, how someone as unmotivated as yourself got a scholarship to college, I’ll never />
“Oh that thing? All I had to do was persuade the person judging the entries that mine was the best.”
“How did you do that? With an essay?”
/>
“Persuasive speech?”
/>
I threw my arms up in the air, “What other kind of persuasive work is there?”
“Well, Mr. Lyram,” Clara’s fingers trailed down from the collar of my shirt to my belt. the ultimate act of />
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Whoever was knocking at the door caused me to snap out of the fantasy that Clara and I were creating. Clara seemed similarly distracted by the intrusion as her smile faltered slightly, “Just ignore it. They’ll probably just go away.”
“The ultimate act of I asked as I slipped back into character.
you know, Mr. Lyram? Seduction is the best way to convince someone about-”
KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK
“Damn it,” I muttered. “Whoever it is isn’t giving up.”
“Just go answer the door and send them packing,” Clara said. The irritation in her voice was impossible to miss. “When you get back, we’ll pick up where we left off.”
I turned towards the door before looking back over my shoulder. “I have to step out of the office for a minute. You better not be sitting on my desk when I get back.”
“You got it, Mr. Lyram!” Clara smiled as she slipped back into the role of the student.
The knocking at the door continued even as I began to pull back the deadbolt. Damn, this person was not patient. “God damn it,” I muttered, “Just chill out, I’m here. What the hell is so important that you can’t wait? My girlfiend and I are kind of in the middle of something. So if you can just leave us alone until-”
I was struck speechless when I saw who it was and her condition. “Abbie, what are you doing here?”
Abbie was dressed in a red satin dress. She had obviously put a lot of work into her outfit and hair, but that wasn’t what had me so shocked. Rivulets of mascara ran down her face where tears had ruined all the effort she’d put into her makeup.
“I’m sorry, Felix. I didn’t know where else to go.” Abbie sobbed as she threw her arms around me. “Can I come in?”
/> I'm sorry about the long delay. I was really hesitant to post this chapter. There are a lot of personal details about the real me in this chapter. I still don't know if it's smart for me to share it, but here you go! I tried to depict the thought processes of obsession accurately, but even after two and a half months of editing, I'm still not sure I've done it justice. Even though I view it as an inferior chapter, I'm ready to move on as a writer. The next chapter should be a lot more fun for me to write and definitely more fun for you to read.
story by: Junkwithgravy
Tags: fiction male/female romance non-erotic sex story
Author: Junkwithgravy
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